Edward M. Erdelac by Deadcore

Author:Deadcore
Language: eng
Format: mobi, epub
Published: 2012-06-01T11:47:48+00:00

If and when they open the upstairs closet door, if they’ve done things in a certain order, there will be a man hiding in there who is afraid to come out.

He might have a stash of beer and some delicious, honeymoon-type foods, or maybe some wine, cheese or fruit, or, hell, maybe even a vending machine bag of pork rinds and Sterno. It all depends on Mags’ profiling earlier in the week. But once they let him out, he’ll happily lead everyone through a hole in the attic, up onto the roof, and watch the sunrise while bouncing apple cores and beer cans off our heads below.

So when we stand back and look to the top of the B&B and see nothing but crows, we know the Camels are doing it wrong.

See, if they’ve done things in the wrong order, as we suspect they have tonight, the man inside that closet will have stuck the Hillbilly Heaven brand bubblegum machine teeth into his mouth and milky contact lenses into his eyes and will proceed to scare the living shit out of them when they open the door. Yes, the living shit.

And if they’ve done things really wrong, or if Mags or Davey Jones are just feeling spiteful, the Plant in the closet will be wearing a police uniform. This is because everyone, everyone, even those with just a passing knowledge of the films, knows you never trust police, fireman, security guards, military (especially the military), or any authority figure for that matter, during a garden-variety siege of the undead.

But some people don’t know the movies at all, and most people don’t know them as well as they think they do. Just like that guy who played one of our first Plants ever. He insisted on yelling, “It’s the end of the world” with an exaggerated Irish accent, quoting the drunk in the diner from Hitchcock’s classic The Birds. Mags was like, “Dude, birds aren’t zombies. Even those birds.” Okay, it was an end of the world movie, sure, and maybe Tippi Hedren had a look in her eyes by the end that most corpses would find familiar and comforting, but come on. So, yeah, they had to start jamming fake rotten teeth in the Closet Plant’s mouth to discourage any more creativity.

All of a sudden, Sour Towel Zombie is grumbling and sputtering like he’s never done before. He’s showing a level of commitment to his role that we’ve never seen, and some of us are getting nervous. Bobby Z starts putting his jacket on again, more skin flaking off his arms, leaving a nasty pink halo around his shoes. If he does this one more time, I’m convinced his arms will stay in the sleeves forever.

“What’s up, Halfway Homey?” Bobby Z belches. “You trying for an Oscar?”

Bobby B lurches closer to get a better look, too, and his eyes widen.

“Hey, I think he’s really hurt.”

We all stumble over and suddenly notice a red dot over his fluttering left eye.

“Uh, I think he’s been shot.

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